From the moment we are born into this physical world, we are subject to growth and change in all areas of our lives: emotional, physical, social and spiritual.  Change can be something we actively seek, or it can be thrust upon us from outside in ways which are difficult to understand.  As babies, we have no control over our physical environment.  Our parents and care givers are responsible for meeting our needs for food, warmth, love and safety.  As we grow into children, adolescents and adults, we move into areas of more responsibilities.  As we advance into old age, we come back full circle.  All this is as it should be.

    All change is about the loss of what is current, moving forward into what is new or different.  Irrespective of our physical age, ethnic background or residence, some changes occur over which we have no influence.  The loss of family and friends to death is one of them.  This may happen through illness, accident, violence or suicide.

    Unfortunately for those of us who are from aboriginal communities or other marginalized ethnic groups, this may happen at an alarmingly higher rate.  Dealing with losses, and the grief and pain that accompanies these realities is difficult and painful.

    By having an understanding of the process involved in grief, loss and change, and having information about the resources available to us, we can make informed choices, assist our families and friends in making better choices and improve the quality of our lives.

    For those who follow the traditional ways, death is often viewed as a transition, a change from the World of Physical Things into the World of Spirit where the sacred Grandmothers and Grandfathers reside with our Creator.  When we grieve, we grieve not for the one who has moved on, but for those of us who are left behind.  Death is seen as a part of the natural order of Life.  Life is a Circle of birth, growth, death and rebirth.

    For those who follow Christian teachings, death is viewed in many and varied ways, mostly that those who live good lives will be rewarded and reunited with loved ones in Heaven or punished for a bad life forever.

    Death forever alters the fabric of our lives in so many ways, regardless of our personal beliefs or lack of personal beliefs.  Since we are all Human Beings, we all respond to change, loss and grief in a more or less similar manner.  It is generally accepted that coping with grief and loss involves six stages.

    There is no set time for each one to take. Individuals, even from the same family may spend different times in each one.  Some may remain ‘stuck’ in any one of the six, or progress rapidly through all.  Because no two people are alike, each of us has different ways of expressing our feelings, different ways of acting out our pain, but overall, we follow the same cycle.
 

Stage # 1: Shock, Denial and Isolation.  Shock, denial and the need to be alone are normal, biological, systemic reactions to trauma.  Denial is a means to refuse to accept the reality of the traumatic event, illness or death.  Denial becomes a buffer, a breathing space, to accept the alteration to our personal reality that the loss creates for us.  Our need for isolation may take many forms: staying in our rooms, avoiding discussing our feelings, staying very busy, refusing to answer the phone or talk.

Stage #2: Anger.  Anger is a feeling. All our feelings and emotions are given to us by our Creator.  In and of themselves, they are not good or bad.  They just are.  It is how we choose to act or react that creates a positive or negative energy  (and consequences) not only for ourselves, but for others around us.

Stage #3:  Bargaining.  During this stage we try to bargain with God (Creator) to change the event, influence our futures or take away the pain.  If I never...God will...

Stage # 4: Depression.  Symptoms include: withdrawing from friends, family, social activities, abuse of alcohol, drugs, feelings of exhaustion, sleeping long hours, and others.  Our feelings are numbed, minimized, and diminished.

Stage # 5: Acceptance.  This means coming to terms with our loss, the feelings associated with it, accepting the changes that have occurred, and moving on with our lives.

Stage #6:  Hope. This means moving past the acceptance of the loss to finding some meaning or reason, learning or discovering the thread of meaning that ties together our past, present and future.

Say: I’m Sorry.

Let them talk.  Share with them about the person who has died.  Share personal memories, both happy and sad, with them.

Help out with every day tasks, like household chores, errands, cooking, laundry, child care, etc.

Let them know who is available in the community as a resource: community health workers, counselors, ministers, Elders, teachers, human resource workers.  Encourage them to get professional help when needed.

Help them understand that the feelings of sadness, anger, and disorientation are normal and won’t last forever.

Everyone has their own unique way of coping and healing, in their own way and time.  Be patient.

Do not initiate sexual relationships during times of high emotional stress, no matter how great the temptation.

Accept the person without judging their actions.  Provide emotional support and encourage them to make healthier and safer choices.

Be responsible for your own health: emotional, physical, and spiritual.