A Message from KiiskeeN'tum

Or for cross-cultural placements, how they feel about living in between two cultures, not completely accepted by either. I'm quite certain some do feel that way.

Well I think I can offer a unique perspective on this one.. from the child's perspective as an adult adoptee and from my experience as a adoptive mom of children from many cultures..

I was placed in a 'inter family' placement.. illegitimate child of my 'aunt', who was placed, without papers or anything else, in her brother's 'legal' family. My bio father had been killed in an accident before my bio mother (who became my aunt) knew she was pregnant. In the 50's, there were few options. Shame meant that they placed me without paperwork. Not uncommon in Indian reserves at the time.

For whatever genetic reasons, I'm blond haired (well, now gray) and green eyed. My brothers are all very Indian, black hair, copper skin, brown eyes. I grew up being 'different'.

Later when I ended up in foster care due ot abuse, I was 'too Indian' in white homes and 'too white' in Indian ones.  Not feeling a sense of belonging in either.

I worked hard to figure things out. For me I found my belonging in my relationship with my Traditional Grandmother and in the traditional ways of my people. Racism comes in many forms, both open and veiled, both visible and in the condescension of the larger societal group that 'we know what's best for you, just be a good little Indian and do what we tell you.' kind, which is oh so much harder to confront. People who for the best of intentions, presume to know what is best for a group of people and assume that they have some 'right' to decide, usually without consultation with the marginalized party.

Later on, I grew up, became a single mom, then a foster mom and then an adoptive mom. I adopted the kids that no one else wanted, those considered 'not adoptable' for many reasons, whether it was abuse, biracial or mixed race, age, etc.

Most of my adopted children came wiht a lot of baggage, diagnoses of RAD, ODD, OCD, BPD, medical conditions like FAS or brain damage from being 'sniffed' to sleep with glue. Each of them was a 'culture' unto themselves.

Culture is more than just 'black' or 'white' or 'Indian' or what ever. Each of us brings a smaller culture into our families: the way our families of origin operated that are unique to our family, that is also a 'culture'.

What helped for me, and for my children, was having someone who loved us.. unconditionally, and set healthy and reasonable boundaries about what was tolerated and what was not.

The Traditional Native American Medicine Wheel values of Respect, Co-operation, Kindness, Sharing, Truth, Honesty and Humility are solid family values to build a family on, irrespective of race, religion, spiritual beliefs, skin color, culture or any of the other wide range of ways to divide and separate us. They are life skills for daily living that serve us well, and our children. Unconditional positive regard, loving the person without necessarily accepting unacceptable behavior go a long way towards equipping our children with the discretion and judgment they will need to navigate an uncertain and often unaccepting world.

I did a lot of trial by trying.. creating rituals that build family togetherness. Usually  this was bringing in role models from many cultures. Belonging to Interfaith programs and committees, making friends and bringing them home for holidays, special days, or even creating special days to celebrate.

As a then single parent, story time, and meal times became the glue that kept our family relationships growing, changing and becoming stronger. Family councils every Monday night, special activities and occasionally declaring a family holiday, taking the children out of school for a picnic or hike in the woods created a sense of belonging in our family.

Finding a sense of belonging is a safe place for children to begin to explore the larger world. That can be found in a family, a spiritual tradition, practice of cultural ways, but mostly it is found in the relationship between family members.

I was president of a provincial adoptive parents group and a foster parent group.. I watched many types of families struggle with diversity. The sameness that I observed in families that were 'healthy and successful' was their ability to create belonging IN THE FAMILY.  A safe haven no matter what else was going on in the world, or in that person's life.

As parents of muti-ethnic or multi racial families, the strength of the relationship we, as parents create and maintain is a key ingredient to well adjusted and functioning adult children. There are many uncertainties in this world, many of them unpleasant. Racism does exist. Our children will experience it no matter what we do. We can give them a solid foundation of love to begin from. We can give them a safe place to come to. For, me, it all begins with Love..

respectfully
Deedee